KrisKrosNL 2012-05-09 23:31:14

You've used the First Person point of perspective in this story. I'll read this story later today because I'm on a school computer atm.

KrisKrosNL 2012-05-10 07:32:28

Hmmm...not bad, but here's a suggestion: don't keep the 'things that people say' in the same paragraph over and over again. It causes confusion to some people. It's preffered to press the *enter* button after finishing a sentance that a certain character says.

Also, if you say something like "Chris's punch" you should eliminate the second 's' because there's no need to write the second 's'. For example"

"The guy's punch caused havoc on the surroundings"
"Chris' punch caused a major crack to appear from the ground"

^ See a differance of usage, even though it uses the same format? If the last word of such a usage is ended with the letter 's', then don't add another 's' for the *the god's punch* type of sentance.

KrisKrosNL 2012-05-10 07:34:52

EDIT: also, if people speak, use the twin quotations instead of the single quotation. It's extremely useful in conditions when you write a sentance like this:

With a deep breath, Thomas replied: "I had no idea that the so-called 'Legend of Ice' was released by Jesus..."

KrisKrosNL 2012-05-10 07:35:28

Looks like I gave you some useful tips. =P

CliffRacer 2012-05-11 06:33:18

nice :3
I think I am going to write something too, soon, and maybe do a few pictures for the text, I already have something in mind. Now just to get some more ideas and also some more motivation.

KrisKrosNL 2012-05-11 07:22:02

Around 75%. Here are some reasons:

--quite disorganized
--does not provide a clear prologue
--the antagonist's name is Chris

KrisKrosNL 2012-05-11 07:56:06

Most books I read use twin quotations. =\

KrisKrosNL 2012-05-11 07:57:30

Also, you might try to alter some simplified words with academic words. =P

CliffRacer 2012-05-11 17:26:40

Ok, I will. Im quite sure it will be one crappy story but I will give it a try.
I also need names, but I cannot figure any x_x

CliffRacer 2012-05-11 19:07:35

löl dunno xP
maybe, maybe not I really have no idea considering names yet.

CliffRacer 2012-05-12 17:26:22

Yeah. I think Im just going to give the chracters the same names as my morrowind and D&D characters have :D

CliffRacer 2012-05-13 05:13:31

thanks, also NLC (or C23) gave me few names.
I most probably am going to pick few names from your list, few from C23's list and the rest are going to be my Morrowind and D&D character's names :3

KrisKrosNL 2012-05-13 06:18:41

<a href="http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/587571">http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/587571</a>

^ this is probably an entertaining flash movie.

KrisKrosNL 2012-05-13 06:52:43

D'awwwwwwwwwwwww =D

Trust me; MLP is quite good.

JKSSN 2012-05-13 14:06:02

Ill read it all tommorow...
Have to sleep.
If you dont want to be brony, do not watch MLP.
Once you tried it, you'll really liked it.
Also, havent watch MLP for 2 months now...
yep...

JKSSN 2012-05-13 14:06:30

My grammar and spelling sucks.. D:

KrisKrosNL 2012-05-13 23:50:52

Get a fucking life, Maarten. Go watch 'em MLP shows at least once.

JKSSN 2012-05-14 06:00:24

Ok, read it.
I really like the story, but it feels like it lacks more info.
I guess your gonna add more like about the team, where the crystals come from, who this Lia and Montgomery's is.
Also, did you purposefully use the name Chris for, you know, Chris?
Newgrounds really needs a literature portal.

CliffRacer 2012-05-16 08:13:26

Meh, friendship feels like magic if you don't have any friends. Any questions, people?